Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Farewell Pete Puma, Hello Daily Danet
This blog has moved and will no longer be updated. Please see www.dailydanet.com for your political satire needs.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Democratic Leader Approves Voter Free Choice Forever Stamp
John Sweeny, head of the Democratic party, enacted by fiat today the Voter Free Choice Forever Stamp. This comes after Democratic victories in the form of the Employee Free Choice Act and the Forever Stamp from the US Postal Service (also known as the "Endorsement of Competitive Pricing Act")
Under the new legislation, current representatives from the political party that controls Congress (referred to as "vote facilitators"), would approach voters in each Congressional district and ask these voters to sign "proxy cards." The proxy cards allow voters to choose either the incumbent party or the minority party. When a majority of voters in each district signed proxy cards, the party with the most votes will be declared the winner.
In keeping with the promise of the Forever Stamp legislation, the process will only be done once. "We don't feel there is a need to burden voters with these periodic elections," noted el Presidente Sweeny. In response to allegations that the legislation is designed to entrench his subordinates, Mr. Sweeny noted that vote facilitators would be available after the press conference to address any criticisms.
In order to facilitate increased voter turnout, the legislation authorized vote facilitators to approach voters in their homes, at work and in ill lit alleys at night. To further prevent voter intimidation by other groups, vote facilitators will be authorized to carry large bats, iron pipes, and in certain neighborhoods, guns.
Under the new legislation, current representatives from the political party that controls Congress (referred to as "vote facilitators"), would approach voters in each Congressional district and ask these voters to sign "proxy cards." The proxy cards allow voters to choose either the incumbent party or the minority party. When a majority of voters in each district signed proxy cards, the party with the most votes will be declared the winner.
In keeping with the promise of the Forever Stamp legislation, the process will only be done once. "We don't feel there is a need to burden voters with these periodic elections," noted el Presidente Sweeny. In response to allegations that the legislation is designed to entrench his subordinates, Mr. Sweeny noted that vote facilitators would be available after the press conference to address any criticisms.
In order to facilitate increased voter turnout, the legislation authorized vote facilitators to approach voters in their homes, at work and in ill lit alleys at night. To further prevent voter intimidation by other groups, vote facilitators will be authorized to carry large bats, iron pipes, and in certain neighborhoods, guns.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Hillary Warns of Bush Administration Misdeeds
Senator Hillary Clinton chastened the Bush Administration today for its mounting misdeeds. The junior Senator from New York (D-Ill., Ark., N.Y., USSR) noted that the politically motivated firing of U.S. District Attorneys is inexcusable. She warned that other politically motivated firings of government employees would not be tolerated.
Senator Clinton also raised issues with the president's ill-advised use of the military, which lead to tragedy. She also noted the Bush administration's misuse of the FBI and the peddling of influence to foreign nations to the detriment of national security. Clinton also warned the administration not to take advantage of its executive authority to issue pardons for its lackeys. Senator Clinton railed against President Bush, claiming that his past actions and his current positions revealed him to be that lowest form of life, a hypocrite.
Senator Clinton also raised issues with the president's ill-advised use of the military, which lead to tragedy. She also noted the Bush administration's misuse of the FBI and the peddling of influence to foreign nations to the detriment of national security. Clinton also warned the administration not to take advantage of its executive authority to issue pardons for its lackeys. Senator Clinton railed against President Bush, claiming that his past actions and his current positions revealed him to be that lowest form of life, a hypocrite.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Schadenfruede, Arctic Style
Sorry, I can't help but laugh. This is too funny. Global Warming® expedition called off due to extreme cold.
Fringe Begins to Distance Itself From Gore
I guess you pay more than $30,000 per year when you own a 200,000 kWh mansion. The NY Times, bastion of liberalism, ran an article today saying Gore may be exaggerating the risks of Global Warming®. Say it Ain't So!
The article, of course, treats the issue with kid gloves. But it is a turning point. To put far too fine a point on it, it is Paris's first arrow into the heel of Achilles. The beast is wounded and it is not long before he is dead and buried.
Imagine Pravda saying Stalin is a bit too old fashioned. Imagine the Tehran Tribune calling Ahmaninejad a little too anti-Semitic. This signals the death of Al Gore as the spokesperson for the Global Warming® fringe. Once again, Al Gore has picked the wrong horse in the wrong race.
The article, of course, treats the issue with kid gloves. But it is a turning point. To put far too fine a point on it, it is Paris's first arrow into the heel of Achilles. The beast is wounded and it is not long before he is dead and buried.
Imagine Pravda saying Stalin is a bit too old fashioned. Imagine the Tehran Tribune calling Ahmaninejad a little too anti-Semitic. This signals the death of Al Gore as the spokesperson for the Global Warming® fringe. Once again, Al Gore has picked the wrong horse in the wrong race.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Vying to be the New JFK
Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama, in addition to seeking the Democratic presidential nomination, are also both vying for another top spot in the hearts of Democrats: the new JFK® . Senator Obama (D-Ill.) came out with an early lead for the coveted post with an endorsement, albeit a morbid one, from Democratic operative Tim Russert.
Senator Clinton (D-NY, Ill., Ark., Ca., Mass., etc.) has gained ground over the past several days, however. In addition to drawing comparisons to the late Catholic President, Clinton, through her campaign staff, has also announced a new policy initiative that would replicate the heady days of JFK.
"First, within the first 4 months of a Hillary presidency, we will suffer an embarrassing military and intelligence defeat that could have easily been avoided," promised the press release. The press release continues, "[t]his will embolden our enemies and lead to several years of brinkswomanship, culminating in near catastrophe." Hillary also promised to set the stage for a true politically induced military quagmire.
A well placed source notes that the Clintons also intend to get Tony Rodham elected to an Arkansas Senate seat to play the role of moronic younger brother.
Bill Clinton, Senator Clinton's husband and the presumptive First Lady Killer, has even announced plans for a Fall rally in Dallas. "Giggity, giggity," noted the former president.
Senator Clinton (D-NY, Ill., Ark., Ca., Mass., etc.) has gained ground over the past several days, however. In addition to drawing comparisons to the late Catholic President, Clinton, through her campaign staff, has also announced a new policy initiative that would replicate the heady days of JFK.
"First, within the first 4 months of a Hillary presidency, we will suffer an embarrassing military and intelligence defeat that could have easily been avoided," promised the press release. The press release continues, "[t]his will embolden our enemies and lead to several years of brinkswomanship, culminating in near catastrophe." Hillary also promised to set the stage for a true politically induced military quagmire.
A well placed source notes that the Clintons also intend to get Tony Rodham elected to an Arkansas Senate seat to play the role of moronic younger brother.
Bill Clinton, Senator Clinton's husband and the presumptive First Lady Killer, has even announced plans for a Fall rally in Dallas. "Giggity, giggity," noted the former president.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
One of the Coldest Februaries on Record
According to the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Association, the agency charged with knowing such things, February 2007 in the U.S. was one of the coldest Februaries on record:
Put another way, February 2007 was in the lowest 30th percentile when it comes to "warming." Or, in yet another way, the actual data for 2007 breaks away from the "warming" trend by a factor of 6 times, only in the opposite direction.
January was slightly warmer than normal in the US:
So, on average, we are 0.9°F COLDER than normal (1.8 colder in Feb and .9 warmer in January is a cumulative difference of .9 in the colder direction).
What does all this mean? Not much. Just your normal seasonal variability. But I guarantee Al Gore won't be trumpeting it from his 200,000 kWh mansion.
The average temperature in February 2007 was 32.9 F. This was -1.8 F cooler than the 1901-2000 (20th century) average, the 34th coolest February in 113 years. The temperature trend for the period of record (1895 to present) is 0.3 degrees Fahrenheit per decade.
Put another way, February 2007 was in the lowest 30th percentile when it comes to "warming." Or, in yet another way, the actual data for 2007 breaks away from the "warming" trend by a factor of 6 times, only in the opposite direction.
January was slightly warmer than normal in the US:
The average January temperature for the contiguous U.S. was 31.8°F (-0.1°C), or 0.9°F (0.5°C) above the 20th century average of 30.9°F based on preliminary data. In the central and eastern U.S., the pattern of spring-like temperatures that began late December, continued during the first two weeks of the year. For the month, 29 states were warmer than average east of the Mississippi River and in the northern High Plains. Alaska also was warmer than average at 0.9°F above the 1971-2000 mean.
So, on average, we are 0.9°F COLDER than normal (1.8 colder in Feb and .9 warmer in January is a cumulative difference of .9 in the colder direction).
What does all this mean? Not much. Just your normal seasonal variability. But I guarantee Al Gore won't be trumpeting it from his 200,000 kWh mansion.
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